From "My Dog is the World's Best Dog" by Suzy Becker.
RULES FOR DOGS AND CATS
Know that I'm home so much I had to set up some new rules at the house in order to get my fair chance of surviving there with my babies. Since so many of you love your babies as I do I thought I would share.
- Dear Cats and Dogs-- The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing.
- The stair way was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
- I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am sorry about this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort on the bed. Dogs and Cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessaey to sleep perpendicular to each other, streteched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
- For the last time, THERE IS NO SECRET EXIT FROM THE BATHROOM!! If by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I will exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years and canine/feline attendance is not required. Also if you drink out of my toilet please wipe off the seat if you drip on it. Sitting on cold water in the middle of the night is something I can do without.
POSTED ON FRONT DOOR
- To all non-pet owners who come to visit.
- They live here you don't
- If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why it is called FUR-niture.
- I like my babies more than I like people.
- To you they are animals, to me they are adopted children who are short, hairy, walk on four feet and don't speak clearly.
4 FOOTED BABIES ARE BETTER THAN CHILDREN BECAUSE
- They eat less
- Don't ask for money all the time
- Are easier to train
- Normally come when called
- Never ask if they can have the car and some gas money
- Don't smoke or drink
- Don't ask to borrow your clothes
- Don't have to have the latest fashion
- Don't need a gazillion dollars for college
- And best of all if they come home pregnant, you can sell their children and sue the vet who said he spayed them.
HOW TO GIVE A PILL TO A CAT AND A DOG
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little @#!*#^~!'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty Pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
DOG: Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.